Where Are The Answers

Today was a very trying day in the Dell Household.  I’m still somewhat on holiday break (I go back on Monday when Aubrey officially goes back to school – they’ve been on break) and it was hard.  Really Hard.

Last week, we had it scheduled for my mom to keep Aubrey one night but then it turned into two.  She wanted to help me and Jon by taking the initial steps in potty training Aubrey (again).  I said ok! Who wouldn’t want someone else to take on that frustration?  But by the end of that first day, I had  a mix of peace and guilt.  Peace because I was able to get some one-on-one time with Luke and I knew Aubrey was enjoying her one-on-one time with Grammie.  Guilt because I didn’t want Aubrey to think/wonder where we were, and why Luke wasn’t with her.  The reason for that was I grabbed him from my mom’s after our date night last Friday while Aubrey was asleep. She woke up slightly confused Saturday.  Grammie played it off well though.

So when we picked up Aubrey after church on Sunday, we were SO HAPPY to see her again. I missed her.  I smelled her comforter before bed.  Heck I almost grabbed one of her 3 Minnies but composed myself. I have to draw the line somewhere!

So here we are, a week later, and my patience was almost non-existent.  We had been keeping up with the potty training and I was quickly realizing what she did at Grammie’s was not happening here.  She was more relaxed there because it was just her and my mom.  Here it was all of us, and at times me alone with both kids and I can’t give her my full attention.

Today I lost my cool a lot.  I was getting irritated, annoyed, frustrated.  I gave up on training.  I couldn’t watch her running in circles needing to pee, but wouldn’t sit long enough for it to click.  Why it was different than the night before, or at Grammie’s, is a mystery.  She started crying because I’m sure it is not the best sight to see me so upset at her.

I really tried to bite my tongue. To hold back. To be patient. But it’s hard.  While she was asleep (and while Luke was asleep for his now normal 30 minute afternoon nap which is NOT cool) I was trying to think & pray about what was going on.  I read stories, hear people’s testimonies, about how their path brought them to a realization – after the fact.  I was trying to figure out what all this means.  Right now Jon and I are trying to plan our future and we have a plan and now we’re second guessing it.  My plan involves being with the kids more, but we both agree that cannot work if I cannot handle all of this.  He’s starting grad school in the fall and I will take on more of the house duties & upkeep.

I’m not sure what to think of it all.  I know kids can be the best thing on the earth. And they can also be the biggest learning experience about yourself you will ever come across. Right now – I am not happy with what I’m learning about me.  And that makes me frustrated.  Jon has told me numerous times (and I completely agree with him) that I’m not the same person I was before. And what has changed in me is not a positive thing. I’ve lost my passion, I’ve lost my drive.  I’ve lost that spark.  I easily get swallowed up by guilt and darkness and it scares the hell out of me.  I don’t know where the answers to what I’ve got going will appear.  But I know that the way things are – will not make happy memories for me. Aubrey might not remember this time 10 years from now – but I will.  I don’t want her to remember any of it.




  1. Michele says

    In regards to the potty training… Just let her guide you. When she starts showing interest, then jump on it. Micah is about 59/50 right now and while it’s frustrating I done want a negative experience for either of us.
    Parenting is hard and I think we all do the best we can. Hugs!

  2. says

    If it makes you feel better, Lexi still isn’t potty trained. We tried a couple months ago but halfway through day 1 we KNEW is wasn’t time yet so just backed off and will maybe try again in a few months. It’s hard to juggle both kids alone at home but what keeps me most sane is picking my battles and trying to stay fluid with our plans. The more “regimented” our days, the more stressed out I get, so we have very few appointments with which I don’t enlist Brent’s help. Juggling two kids is just plain hard and it becomes that much more important to recharge when when you find time away from them. You’ll find a way; they are only this little for so long and the landscape will change before you know it.

  3. Marissa T says

    You are not alone my dear!! Adding a new child to the fam is a huge change and it truly takes time to adapt and find ourselves as mothers and where we fit and handle it all. Trust me, we have all been there on the days where we have gotten frustrated. My last pregnancy was an easy pregnancy (physically) but emotionally and mentally it was tough on me. I have no idea why but I just was not a nice person, and sadly my hubby probably bore the brunt of it. Call it hormones, call it what you want but Maddi is now 4 1/2 months old and I am just feeling back to my normal, fun self. It was this time last year that I was newly pregnant so it has been a long year of feeling just “off”. Hang in there. I firmly believe we go through seasons in life and its the tough seasons that seem to bring about the most change and good!! 🙂

    And on the potty training note, it sucks. My best advice is wait. Both my boys were practically 3 before I even attempted it. Also, wait until she starts showing interest…when they are ready it makes a world of difference and is so much easier on you!! I promise she wont go to kindergarten still in diapers 😉 Dont guilt yourself over it at all!! There are days where I have one boy screaming he has to pee in Target when we are at the complete opposite end of the store and I am wishing he was still in a diaper. True story: there have been numerous times where I have had my youngest boy (who likes to wait until his bladder has about a gallon in it before letting us know he has to go!!) pee into one of Maddi’s diapers as I held it. Perk of being able to stand up and pee 😉 I always tell friends to try potting training and if it is still a battle after the 2nd day…then wait 6 weeks and try again and do the same. 🙂

  4. says

    I’m sorry things have been hard. I really, truly, 100% think that I’m meant to be a stay at home mom, but even with that, I find myself wishing I could be somewhere else a lot of times (like tonight, when Walter’s been crying for the last 3 or 4 hours straight). It’s soooo easy to get frustrated, etc. I’m trying to work on it too. Hang in there.

  5. says

    I’m adding on more work and feel totally incompetent as a WAHM. I can’t give anything my all because I am constantly everywhere! When it was just me and the boys and I was taking a blogging break I was way more relaxed.
    You have two littles and it’s hard. Harder than my baby and 4 y o, though it has it’s own challenges.

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