Today was a very trying day in the Dell Household. I’m still somewhat on holiday break (I go back on Monday when Aubrey officially goes back to school – they’ve been on break) and it was hard. Really Hard.
Last week, we had it scheduled for my mom to keep Aubrey one night but then it turned into two. She wanted to help me and Jon by taking the initial steps in potty training Aubrey (again). I said ok! Who wouldn’t want someone else to take on that frustration? But by the end of that first day, I had a mix of peace and guilt. Peace because I was able to get some one-on-one time with Luke and I knew Aubrey was enjoying her one-on-one time with Grammie. Guilt because I didn’t want Aubrey to think/wonder where we were, and why Luke wasn’t with her. The reason for that was I grabbed him from my mom’s after our date night last Friday while Aubrey was asleep. She woke up slightly confused Saturday. Grammie played it off well though.
So when we picked up Aubrey after church on Sunday, we were SO HAPPY to see her again. I missed her. I smelled her comforter before bed. Heck I almost grabbed one of her 3 Minnies but composed myself. I have to draw the line somewhere!
So here we are, a week later, and my patience was almost non-existent. We had been keeping up with the potty training and I was quickly realizing what she did at Grammie’s was not happening here. She was more relaxed there because it was just her and my mom. Here it was all of us, and at times me alone with both kids and I can’t give her my full attention.
Today I lost my cool a lot. I was getting irritated, annoyed, frustrated. I gave up on training. I couldn’t watch her running in circles needing to pee, but wouldn’t sit long enough for it to click. Why it was different than the night before, or at Grammie’s, is a mystery. She started crying because I’m sure it is not the best sight to see me so upset at her.
I really tried to bite my tongue. To hold back. To be patient. But it’s hard. While she was asleep (and while Luke was asleep for his now normal 30 minute afternoon nap which is NOT cool) I was trying to think & pray about what was going on. I read stories, hear people’s testimonies, about how their path brought them to a realization – after the fact. I was trying to figure out what all this means. Right now Jon and I are trying to plan our future and we have a plan and now we’re second guessing it. My plan involves being with the kids more, but we both agree that cannot work if I cannot handle all of this. He’s starting grad school in the fall and I will take on more of the house duties & upkeep.
I’m not sure what to think of it all. I know kids can be the best thing on the earth. And they can also be the biggest learning experience about yourself you will ever come across. Right now – I am not happy with what I’m learning about me. And that makes me frustrated. Jon has told me numerous times (and I completely agree with him) that I’m not the same person I was before. And what has changed in me is not a positive thing. I’ve lost my passion, I’ve lost my drive. I’ve lost that spark. I easily get swallowed up by guilt and darkness and it scares the hell out of me. I don’t know where the answers to what I’ve got going will appear. But I know that the way things are – will not make happy memories for me. Aubrey might not remember this time 10 years from now – but I will. I don’t want her to remember any of it.