I’ve talked a few times about my miscarriage on this site. It happened in the summer of 2010 with a lot of other crap going on at the same time. I was, sadly, the first of many friends that went through this unexplainable loss, and looking back, almost 2 years later, I get some understanding of why God had Jon & I go through it.
This past week our women’s bible study at church concluded and the last night was reserved for fellowship and testimonies of any one that felt the desire to share. I have no problem talking in front of people, but at the same time, when it comes to my faith, I’m private for the most part. I was wondering if I would have the courage to share what I’ve felt in my heart for so long. Why I came back to church, under a new faith, and why it means so much more to me now than the 8 years I spent attending Catholic school from kindergarten till 8th grade. How one simple gesture was enough to put me on the path, along with my husband, to work on our spiritual being, putting faith in God’s plan, and working to strengthen our marriage and our family foundation.
When I got there, only 2 other women were in the room. As the minutes crept closer to 7pm, the room was still vastly empty. Yes it was the last night, no it wasn’t mandatory, but it was still peculiar to have a room, typically buzzing with over 100 women, have maybe 30. My table was full as we provided the snacks & treats for the evening. As the night went on, we spoke amongst each other and listened to 2 of the women leaders wrap up the 15 week session. A quick round of “speed dating” to get to know some other tables was fun, but then came time for the open mic night. It’s always funny to watch women, normally bursting with energy, quiet down at the thought of speaking amongst a room of other women.
I listened to the testimonies of women of all ages, all paths of life. There weren’t many, but there was enough to be inspired. My heart was pounding, and Lesly was counting down for the last bit of opportunity to speak. Last minute another woman and I raised our hands at the same time. She went first, then it was me.
This was what I briefly explained:
I had been raised Catholic, but church was something you had to do, not wanted to do. It was a routine – routine of attendance, prayer, holidays, writing of bible versus. When I graduated, the routine ceased. When Jon and I spoke about faith during our courtship, I said I believed in God, and that was that. He was raised Christian, his father had been a Pastor, as well as Elder. But neither of us made much effort to attend a service. When it came time to get married, we wanted his dad to marry us. He did, because we believed in God, believed in the holy sacrament. That was 2008.
In summer of 2010, I found out I was pregnant, 2 weeks later my cousin’s husband suddenly passed away, and a week after that our first ultrasound showed a tiny baby, but without a heartbeat. Wrapped up in all of the funeral plans and mourning that loss, my loss was pushed aside. Months later, it all came pouring out and I was defeated, upset, emotional, and slowly a tugging at my heart began.
I didn’t know what that tugging was for. Something was missing and I didn’t know what. As time passed, more of my girlfriends experienced the loss of a pregnancy. I listened, cried with them, and we kept moving forward. My Mother-in-law invited me to bible study just after the new year in 2011. I had barely been to their church, but I thought why not. I quickly realized the tugging at my heart was God’s way of calling me back. I loved my table. Each woman was supportive, encouraging, and didn’t mind my random questions as a new believer. 2 weeks into the study I found out I was pregnant, and I was terrified to share the news with anyone. I finally did, and the women prayed for me, and as each week passed, my fear calmed, and the baby, Aubrey, grew.
Half way through the series, during our homework, Beth Moore was talking about a chapter in Genesis and talking about manipulation. Manipulation we do with friendships, relationships, etc. One thing she had asked was if we ever manipulated something, and in the end, wasn’t ours to keep. That question struck me, hard, and I went back to thinking of all the months Jon and I were trying to conceive – the charts, the medications, the tests. And how, when we gave up for a month to just relax, it happened. It put it in perspective that I cannot control anything. I can make requests for how my life goes, but everything is to occur according to God’s plan and his will.
Since Aubrey’s birth, our lives have been consumed with hers – watching her change in those first few months, seeing her accomplish milestones month after month, and watching our tiny baby turn into such an incredible little girl. I wonder about how life would have been if we had the first pregnancy carry out. Mainly because I’m still surrounded by women – both in life and those I’ve met online – having to suffer through their loss. My heart breaks with each one I learn about, but my heart strengthens when they are brave and they share their story.
When we’re in the midst of such heartache, it’s hard to see beyond it. It’s hard to imagine a time when we’ll be ok – but it does happen. Whether you’re religious or not, your own history can show you that you won’t always be in the same set of despair month after month, year after year. One thing I was terrified with was having another difficult time getting pregnant. It’s why we were ok with just having Aubrey in our lives. But God knows more than us. He gave us Luke, without any trying. A true gift that I am so grateful for.
For all of the women out there, upset, feeling alone, please know you’re not. Unfortunately there are so many of us that have our angel babies waiting for us, one day. Those that have not gone through it will not always have the right thing to say – but they try because they love you. I’m always here, too, if you want to talk. You’re not alone, and whatever you need to lean on to get through it, please do so. I leaned on my faith, and it helped me in ways I never thought would be possible.